Mourning Meating: Senioritis

By Zak Rosen '16

Ever since the return of students from Spring Break everywhere, an epidemic has swept the nation from Los Angeles to New York to that weird town in the south of Kentucky where the local high school only has twelve students (all named Jed), and Severn is no exception: the plague of senioritis has begun.

                         

As has been demonstrated by strenuous scientific enquiry, the disease, scientifically referred to as Discipulus pigri, is the result of a bacteria initially from the Northeast which has spread across the continental United States (luckily, quick action on the part of the World Health Organization was able to prevent it from spreading internationally). Common symptoms include tiredness, an inability to focus on schoolwork, the overwhelming urge to lay on the floor, and allergic reactions to mathematics (with calculus causing the most intense anaphylactic responses). WHO and CDC agents are on hand providing pillows and blankets to the afflicted in Creeden Commons. Common treatments include watching Netflix (must… keep… bingeing…. House of Cards… season 4….) and sleeping for a disgusting amount of time. All students, especially juniors, are encouraged to steer clear of the infected in order to prevent another outbreak next year… like every single year in recorded history. Scientists continue to work for a vaccine that will never be found.