Mourning Meeting: Graduation

By Zak Rosen '16

Well, it’s over. The classes have been passed. The homework has been shoddily done. The finals have (not) been taken. Soon the hugs will be had and the tears will be shed and the promises to friend teachers on Facebook now that it is considered socially acceptable will be made. That’s right everyone--graduation is upon us. 

This is a moment to reflect on all that Severn has offered in the last four years: the good and the bad. There have been classes on less interesting topics (like Honors Paint Drying and the History of the Button) and classes on fascinating topics as well (Conquests of the Holy Neptunian Empire). There have been highs and lows, ups and downs, sidewayses and standing stills. But we have survived everything, from the freshmen-sophomore picnic to the discovery of Yik-Yak to the Soviet invasion of 2015. We made it.

The last four years would have been quite different without the combined influence of dozens of teachers and hundreds of students all contributing in their own special ways. And there have been many changes as well, to the school and to us as members of the community. The Mourning Meating remembers when it was just a shy little article; now it’s a big weekly update (it’s definitely weekly, and don’t you dare contradict us), and we’ve never been prouder. So from all of us at the Anchor, we’d like to thank you. You’ve made it worthwhile. And remember, crying at graduation is perfectly socially acceptable. Goodbye!

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Mourning Meating: AP Exams

By Zak Rosen '16

Hello students. We find ourselves, again, in the midst of AP Exams. Those wonderful culminating assessments that truly demonstrate your mastery of a variety of subjects, from multiple choice guessing to writing an essay in 40 minutes. A few last minute tests have been added by the benevolent and all powerful college board.

These tests are as followed:

• AP Crying (tears will be provided for you) 
• AP Physics Q: Weird Physics 
• AP Sport (aquatic, terrestrial, of aerial) 
• AP AP (a score of 5 immediately provides a bachelors, disqualifying one from needing college) 
• AP Poisonous Animals (reptiles will be provided, but you need to bring your own amphibians) 
• AP Existentialism 
• AP Capitalism 
• AP Authoritarianism

Good luck everyone, and remember: your scores on these tests directly determine your success, happiness, and the meaningfulness of your life during and after college.

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Mourning Meating: Senioritis

By Zak Rosen '16

Ever since the return of students from Spring Break everywhere, an epidemic has swept the nation from Los Angeles to New York to that weird town in the south of Kentucky where the local high school only has twelve students (all named Jed), and Severn is no exception: the plague of senioritis has begun.

                         

As has been demonstrated by strenuous scientific enquiry, the disease, scientifically referred to as Discipulus pigri, is the result of a bacteria initially from the Northeast which has spread across the continental United States (luckily, quick action on the part of the World Health Organization was able to prevent it from spreading internationally). Common symptoms include tiredness, an inability to focus on schoolwork, the overwhelming urge to lay on the floor, and allergic reactions to mathematics (with calculus causing the most intense anaphylactic responses). WHO and CDC agents are on hand providing pillows and blankets to the afflicted in Creeden Commons. Common treatments include watching Netflix (must… keep… bingeing…. House of Cards… season 4….) and sleeping for a disgusting amount of time. All students, especially juniors, are encouraged to steer clear of the infected in order to prevent another outbreak next year… like every single year in recorded history. Scientists continue to work for a vaccine that will never be found.

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The Mourning Meating: Fellows Program

By: Zachary Rosen '16

Hello students! In light of the recent mini-Fellows presentations at Morning Meeting several weeks back, the Graw Innovation Center would like to announce that, because of a minor tear in the fabric of space and time, several new Fellows projects have recently reached their halfway point despite having not actually existed until the completion of this article. These projects are as follows:

·     One student will be completing a full sized replica of the Eiffel Tower out of ®Popsicle sticks. Students are invited to a popsicle eating party next Tuesday; each student is required to eat 27 million popsicles in order to create enough building material for the project.

·     One student is 3D printing a human soul using the 3D printer that another student is making for his Fellows project.

·     A pair of students are building a tiny house that is bigger on the inside than on the outside; it will contain, among other amenities, an Olympic sized swimming pool, a fifteen-lane bowling alley, a skeet shooting range, assorted fruit orchards, a second Olympic sized swimming pool filled with ®Jello, and a bottomless abyss.

·     One student is summoning . . . something. We aren’t sure what. But the runes are all scrawled on the floor and we’re all really excited to see what happens.

·     One student, inspired by the work of brilliant Serbian composer B.o.B., is attempting to prove that the Earth is flat using a broken acoustic xylophone and some marmalade.

·     One student is attempting to pat his head while rubbing his belly. AT THE SAME TIME.

·     One student has sworn off using vowels for the remainder of high school in order to raise money for and show her solidarity with Bosnian chicken farmers.

These are all the new Fellows projects, and we at the Anchor excitedly wait for next year’s Fellows projects to be revealed. Inquiries should be made to the sad little ghost that haunts the first floor girl’s lavatory.

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The Mourning Meating: Horoscopes October 20

By: Zachary Rosen '16

Aries: Prepare for battle. Bring knee pads and duct tape. Do not worry about heavy clothing; Argentina is warm this time of year.

Taurus: Congratulations on running your marathon, Taurus. Your brother is very proud of you.

Gemini: You move, slowly but steadily, across the cooling earth, the dried mud and the forms of dying leaves. You crawl without thought and without malevolence. You are a daddy long leg. Take care.

Cancer: Remember to brush your teeth and brush your hair and brush and brush and brush. The underbrush catches fire and the animals run across the savannah. Look at that gazelle go! She’s late for work.

Leo: Be careful. You are being watched. We shall meet under the dying light of sunset beneath the eaves of the Lincoln memorial in three hours. This is of the utmost importance; do not forget.

Virgo: Your fashion sense is impeccable, and you should feel very good about yourself. Also, can I have five dollars... Panera Bread is expensive... I’ll pay you back...

Libra: Are you ok Libra? You look tired. Are you getting those eight hours? You know sleep is very important. Sleep and keeping yourself hydrated. Gatorade®! It’s got electrolytes!

Scorpio: The stars seem to be saying that you shouldn’t try any strenuous activity this week. Also, you did really well on that math test you were worried about. Upper 80s to mid 90s, somewhere in between. The stars aren’t sure.

Scorpio: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144, 233

Sagittarius: Do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Do you know the muffin man, who lives on dreary lane? Please... I’m begging you. I’ve been looking for him for weeks.

Capricorn: Lobsters make great pets. 

Aquarius: Get a hold of yourself. This is no time to be hysterical. Aliens might be invading, but whining won’t do anything about it.

Pisces: Я быстро иссякают идеи . Что я делаю со своей жизнью? Какой смысл в чем больше ?

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The Mourning Meating: Severn Classes

By: Zachary Rosen, '16

Hello Severn students. Now that school has been going on for a while, many of you have probably gotten back into the thick of things with your classes. However, there have been a few modifications to the curriculum of many courses. The changes are as follows-

All Chemistry classes will hereby be studying alchemy with a focus on transmutation of mercury and lead to gold and platinum (respectively). The AP chemistry classes will, for their final exam, be expected to reproduce Nicholas Flamel’s philosopher’s stone in under three hours.

All 10th grade English classes will be studying the untranslated works of the brilliant Russian short story writer Nikolai Gogol. 

All 9th grade English classes will now devote their time to the study of the as of yet un-decoded Harappan language.

All United States history classes will now be studying Alternative US History, which details the rule of our vampire overlords.

All biology classes will create life using a 2006 Macintosh computer, a pack of chewing gum, and a blowtorch.

AP Physics will now build a nuclear warhead. The purpose of this nuclear warhead is as of yet undecided. Do not cross the AP Physics students.

Math students will count. They will count... and count... and count. There is no god. There is no Severn. There is no you. There is only the counting.

The Civil Rights class will determine, through a rousing debate, whether corporations are people. They are not.

New Business Ventures will, for their final project, be asked to destroy the US economy using only a Motorola Razor, a stop watch, and some kale.

Yearbook will, in addition to their normal duties, also be studying that strange new book that recently turned up in the Severn library. Nobody remembers ever purchasing it... it seems to be wrapped in barbed wire and bound in human skin. There was a message tucked into the barbed wire that read, in violently unsteady handwriting, 'DO NOT OPEN!' But what can go wrong?

The Anatomy and Physiology class has a new component; they will build a whole human being from scratch (using the new 3D printers available in the innovation lab).

International Relations will now be taught from the perspective of North Korea.

The following language classes have been added to the Severn school curriculum: Chinese, Basque, Norwegian Arabic, Esperanto, Klingon, and Fear.

All art classes have been canceled, because art is dead.

If you have any questions about scheduling or classes, please direct them to the corpse of the monkey buried under the pendulum in the Creeden spiral staircase.

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