The Mourning Meating: Severn Classes

By: Zachary Rosen, '16

Hello Severn students. Now that school has been going on for a while, many of you have probably gotten back into the thick of things with your classes. However, there have been a few modifications to the curriculum of many courses. The changes are as follows-

All Chemistry classes will hereby be studying alchemy with a focus on transmutation of mercury and lead to gold and platinum (respectively). The AP chemistry classes will, for their final exam, be expected to reproduce Nicholas Flamel’s philosopher’s stone in under three hours.

All 10th grade English classes will be studying the untranslated works of the brilliant Russian short story writer Nikolai Gogol. 

All 9th grade English classes will now devote their time to the study of the as of yet un-decoded Harappan language.

All United States history classes will now be studying Alternative US History, which details the rule of our vampire overlords.

All biology classes will create life using a 2006 Macintosh computer, a pack of chewing gum, and a blowtorch.

AP Physics will now build a nuclear warhead. The purpose of this nuclear warhead is as of yet undecided. Do not cross the AP Physics students.

Math students will count. They will count... and count... and count. There is no god. There is no Severn. There is no you. There is only the counting.

The Civil Rights class will determine, through a rousing debate, whether corporations are people. They are not.

New Business Ventures will, for their final project, be asked to destroy the US economy using only a Motorola Razor, a stop watch, and some kale.

Yearbook will, in addition to their normal duties, also be studying that strange new book that recently turned up in the Severn library. Nobody remembers ever purchasing it... it seems to be wrapped in barbed wire and bound in human skin. There was a message tucked into the barbed wire that read, in violently unsteady handwriting, 'DO NOT OPEN!' But what can go wrong?

The Anatomy and Physiology class has a new component; they will build a whole human being from scratch (using the new 3D printers available in the innovation lab).

International Relations will now be taught from the perspective of North Korea.

The following language classes have been added to the Severn school curriculum: Chinese, Basque, Norwegian Arabic, Esperanto, Klingon, and Fear.

All art classes have been canceled, because art is dead.

If you have any questions about scheduling or classes, please direct them to the corpse of the monkey buried under the pendulum in the Creeden spiral staircase.